Category: philosophy

Where I am the autumnal equinox will be at 3:54 this afternoon.  It seems a good day to plan for the upcoming season.  As I think about this, the word ‘balance’ comes to mind.  My world has been out of balance for a while, perhaps like one of those old washing machines that when the load becomes lop-sided and the whole thing rattles and bangs across the floor until someone rushes to hit the stop button and move the garments around inside before it can be started once again.

As I’ve been away this week from the pressures of work, I’ve actually been able to step back and see a bigger picture.  Tomorrow I return from vacation.  I leave the island of Maui where I sit now on our lanai and write in the early dawn, to return to Red Deer where they are under nearly six inches of snow which is wreaking havoc with the urban forest.  I wasn’t there to shake the heavy snowfall from our trees at home.  I’m sure there will be damage.

I want and need to think about balance.  At the same time, the new season is the busiest season for all of our businesses: retail picks up and hopefully this year will be one of recovery.  The past two years’ sales were the lowest in the decade.  The restaurant business picks up with parties and holiday fun.  What I need to do is to hold the line on expenses and make a concentrated effort to promote and communicate what we offer.  Our teams of people at both places are strong and wonderful.  This week in our restaurant Tribe we had very few customers, some days only two.  Even with a minimal number of staff it’s not possible to make the numbers work with so few customers.  Snow keeps people away, as do the worsening problems of the downtown.

I need to focus on the things that will generate business and help us catch up financially.  Everything else can wait until the winter solstice and a time of hibernation when the pace slows.  Now there is one final push this year – three solid months of activity with a focus on communication with our customers, and with people around whom I’m a more positive person.  The negativity that has been trying to root must wither.  Perhaps I can maintain a communication habit that comes naturally:  I recall I was communicating well in the past, somehow it slipped.

This week in Red Deer, citizens started a campaign to clean up the drug use and debris problem: standup-now.ca  I was asked to share the invitation, so I wrote a newsletter to Sunworks clients and used our social media channels. The local paper called and I did an interview.  I was stunned at how fast it was picked up: my marketing and communication networks are well established.  I realised that I hadn’t sent anything to customers in over three months, which was disappointing and eye-opening at the same time. I can hardly lament poor business traffic when I’ve clearly failed at communicating.  It felt really good to be working with trusted colleagues on marketing this message, and it was so good to reconnect with my own skills in community organising and communication.  It helped me emerge from the blues, no matter how temporary that may be.  I’ll take it even if it doesn’t stick, but perhaps this moment of clarity will help me chart a path for the next few months that can help me solve some of my issues.

If ever I needed a theme for a season I think it would be ‘inspired communication.’  I started off thinking about balance this morning but I think I can handle that with a good long list and not overdoing the days.  I’m planning to practice yoga once a week, and want to return to painting and creative writing.  I’ll get to the doctors and get my annual check-up, make sure that I’m good to go for another year. Perhaps I can reconnect with my thesis: I’d really like that, but I’m stuck.  I want to have a great gym season and drop the few extra percentages of fat that I don’t need.  I feel like I’m so close to my goal, but the blues get in the way and I don’t work as hard at it, and frankly too much booze at the end of the day isn’t helping.  And I’m going to get this damn horn removed from the top of my head before I sprout a second one and the crazies really start to believe I’m satan.

Balance will dial some things back and some things forward.

It’s my marketing and communication that needs strengthening.  I’ve been silent for a long time.  Before council, I used to write almost daily; another sacrifice I unintentionally made.  Until recently I haven’t felt like it, even when I wished I could.  I suppose, partly, my thoughts were so muddled that I didn’t know where to begin… or end.  Perhaps even like this post.

It’s been a while since I wrote any new greeting cards.  Perhaps one will pop out today.  I’ll keep you posted.  It’s bound to be funny given my current wobbly state.

I call it blue because it gives it a less clinical ring and because it feels more personal.  No one else can know what it’s like to be blue and to be me.  Most people don’t know that I’m blue, or how long I’ve been blue.  Life has been so full of doing, trying to keep everything going after a series of decisions that may have taken me down the wrong path.

When I didn’t run for council last fall, I remember being surprised at the realisation of the sacrifice that I had made.  I had begun to see the ripple effect on my businesses from the time spent away doing council work during the last couple of years of my tenure.  The month leading up to the election and immediately afterward, the stark realisation of the ‘things that had fallen off my desk’ was so very obvious.  The economy had been difficult, business was slow, the bills had piled up, the accounting was far enough behind to be problematic, but I could at least begin to tackle the challenge.  However, I have been blue.  So a year since stepping down, I’m still struggling with making headway on the issues.  I have made some progress, to be sure, but the effort that I need to put in far outweighs the energy (or is it motivation) that I can muster.

Today is a day off from the restaurant, and I’m trying to do a little self-care among the business tasks that need to be dealt with.  My coping strategy today is to do things in 20-30 minute blocks.  Strangely this post was meant to be a poem.  I guess that it will continue to rattle around in my head and gush out later.  Perhaps tonight.

Blasé.

Few know I’m blue and,

have been off and on for a couple of years.

That I wake throughout the night and,

stare at the ceiling,

both wanting to be asleep or finally free of worries.

The morning comes, and I don’t want to get out of bed.  Don’t want to shower, eat, move.

I take everyone moment I can before obligation moves me on its own, through the shower, the kitchen, the city.

I smile when I greet people.  I laugh at their stories.  I tell my own stories, and make them laugh. I make the spaces I go feel good for visitors and also for myself.

Issues come and go, staff come and go, sometimes well, sometimes sick and absent.

Sometimes they look to me to solve their problems.

I hold the mirror steadily for them to see their challenges and help them ask better questions, find better perspectives to see from.

I help them stand back, to examine the details, to engage with what needs to be engaged with no matter how frightening.

I hold their hands as they grow.

Where they cause turbulence in my business, I pick up the pieces where others can not or will not.

Mostly customers are happy.  Mostly I shield them from the hidden workings of the business, from my struggles.

On good weeks I find some way to do a few things, small things that take the business into a better future.  On those weeks hope and happiness begin to stir.

I try not to create my own turbulence. It’s easier to do when I’m alive.

Just for a while it would be lovely if the world would just stop, if time would stand still.  To give me the time back I need to regain my footing, to do my laundry, catch up my accounting, to rediscover my passions for things creative.

Perhaps today candlelight will turn blue to flickering gold..

Just for a while..

Long enough for me to get a glimpse of myself…

of my own hopeful becoming.

 

At this moment,
life is perfect.
White sheets,
belly full with good Iranian food,
laughter, plotting, possibilities.
Siamese purring, Montana my buddy.
Beside, lover breathing quietly,
drifting away into the night.
Me reading.
A small book of philosophy,
inspiration, complexity, words with fluid meaning. Worlds being constructed and reconstructed.
Poststructuralism, a very short introduction.
Nodding off with enjoyment and intrigue.
Not wanting this good moment to pass.
Synapses slow.
Connect random thoughts, day’s events waiting to be sorted, filed, stored, solved.
Perrier.
A gentle breeze.
Peace outside and in
Alive and still.
Just being me being me.
Being.

In a darkened room waiting quietly,
For the show to begin.
An audience of one,
still with anticipation I sit.
Opened wide, the windows.
Damp cool air flooding in around my feet.
My skin tightens.
Sweet reprieve from the heat of my office.
Accounting.
Paper.
Progress.
The network says eleven it begins.
Wild wind at first.
Already black shadowy trees sway back and forth across the solid grey sky.
Bending gently, deeply,
Like they’re stretching before taking their part on stage.
Limber lumber.
First the rain.
Then lightening will waken colour.
Deepen silhouettes.
Just before thunder sends cats scurrying for box spring cover.
Waiting.
Enjoying the fresh heavy air.
Dancing shadows on plate glass.
The network may be wrong.
Glad I didn’t make popcorn.

Shopping for new cushions to replace faded ones,
Used only by stray cats that make our zen garden their home.
Snoozing comfortably but always alert,
On the sky blue adirondack chairs,
That call to us too,
To be still and relax,
To purr in the warm summer sunshine.
We rush past from work to work,
Too often.
Credit card out,
Slips casually onto the counter,
A pleased salesperson.
Exhilaration.
Choices made.
New cushions, gingham and stripes.
Cheap and cheerful.
Glasses.
Orange and yellow citronella candles.
A red ice bucket, big enough.
An owl candle holder and a yogic cat,
Especially for the observant in our congress of literarians,
And for Max.
Things to renew, to amuse, to welcome friends.
To hold a space open for connections to gently grow.
Packing my car, the skies open,
Torrents of rain.
A garden party being washed away.
Disappointment.
Grey turns to blue.
It’s meant to happen.
Amber wine glasses sparkle in the afternoon sun,
Adorned with small bees pressed into moulded glass,
A dozen for ten friends
Waiting for name tags that,
A fellow shopper implored me to tie on them — with raffia,
Down aisle eight,
Past the fake flowers.
But, I’m too pressed to hunt.
Still needed gin and sushi.
String ties are fine and,
How the group will describe each other,
That will be pure inspiration.
Wild enthusiasm.
Modifiers that invite being.
Friend, the _____________!
Six bottles of champagne.
As many hours of sunlight.
Laughter until our cheeks hurt.
The good,
The glorious,
The other old actor,
The valiant,
The magnificent bacon zen master,
The connector,
The chivalrous,
The warrior hobbit.
The true.
The goddess.
Sparkling crazy.

It’s dark and I’m alone on the beach in a place that I often come to think. My dreams had been full of troubling relationship issues, replaying past hurts, mistakes, and attempts at repair. Even in the quiet dawn, it’s immensely difficult to quiet the my mind, particularly those voices that, in hindsight, can see how things could have happened differently. The remind myself that I’m only one in a relationship and I can’t alone control outcome — that it’s always jointly created by all the participants. And besides, the past is past. I’ve been involved with others that bring so much negative personal history to the relationship that it’s like swimming against a tidal wave. It’s those ones that cause me the most anxiety, always feeling that just perhaps I could say or do something that would make a grand difference. It’s those ones that find their way into my dreamscape and begged to be sorted, that wake me feeling anxious. This morning sitting here I need this time alone to be with myself, to remember my own humanity, to practise self compassion, to forgive myself for doing my best when more was required, and to forgive others for the same reasons.

The rhythms of the earth are supportive — I focus on my breath. I grow more and more appreciative of being in quiet relationship with this space. Slowly, I return to a position of knowing that my best intention and open invitation remain my most precious gifts.

The full moon is high in the sky, descending. It’s bright and round and softly illuminates the earth. There are no clouds between the moon and me. The ocean rolls in one wave at a time, slipping onto the short a few feet from where I sit to contemplate the things I’ve encountered during the past few days.

I learned yesterday that one can reset the intention of a crystal by placing it in moonlight. I wonder what it might be like if I thought of myself as a crystal sitting there in a moonbeam. The thing about moonbeams is that follow you wherever you go. This one sparkled across the waves in a loose triangle shape, its gentle point of light settling between my eyes.

Perhaps what I was doing this morning in the moonlight was renewing my invitation to allow my best to be and to accept my humanity.  I’ve reset my crystal thanks to communal time with the ocean and the moon. I remember the Japanese speak of perfection of anything being in the imperfection.  The crack in a bowl, worn leather, a dog-earred book.

The ocean continued to roll in as the moon slow moved toward the horizon.  The sun rising on the other side of the island, blocked from view by Haleakala, gently warmed the sky. No shadows as whole vista, the ocean, sand, and sky transformed into pale shades of green, blue and grey.  As the moon approached the water it grew bigger and became pink.  Then it disappeared.

Maui is a beautiful place, some say magical. I may be one of them. There’s a four hour time difference from Red Deer, Alberta to our place here – which we affectionately call Chip and Max’s Tiki Resort (tikihalekipa.com).

We bought this small flat a couple of years ago are slowly renovating. We’ve paid very careful attention to design and aesthetics, selecting colours and furnishings that invite creativity, relaxation, and fun. Each time I’m here I find space to explore my current identity, to write, to paint, and to get in touch with a broader perspective of life. I return home with a sharpened ability to see things my life and work in a relational context — nearly always feeling calmer and ready to carry on. The weight is a little lighter it seems. It’s a real treat to have space and time to be reflexive.

I’m reading Kenneth Gergen’s text titled An Invitation to Social Construction and thoroughly enjoying it. It’s like I’ve come home to a place where someone understand what I’ve been thinking and saying for years.

Recently, I’ve had many deep and lively discussions with colleagues in civic government that challenge the assumptions that we make about governance, authority, and civic leadership. I remember the very first council meeting I attended four years ago, as a newly elected councillor. We were to pass the organizational bylaw as one of the first matters of a new council. It legally allows us to ‘exist’ as a city. But why? I asked the question “what is the purpose of civic government?” and was so bold as to table the organizational bylaw until we could draft something that included a reason to exist. Strangely it may be a quintessential moment in my career as a participant in politics. I still feels as one of the moments of which I’m most proud.

So many organizations appear to exist for a sake onto itself, and I’ve always been curious what would happen if we were more explicit about exploring organizational purpose. Articulating it in writing, in conversation, in practice, in policy. Revisiting it often, feeding it, watching it grow and change — and being thrilled that it’s never complete and finished.

Organizations are creatures of human desire, and as such we should talk about our purpose for them. Even as our desires and passions change so must our organizations be flexible enough to morph.

From a constructionist perspective, the intervention of a single question altered the entire path of the organization and our community. It created an opening for council to explore together the meaning of our work, both as elected officials but also as participating citizens. It opened a door for the organization to more fully involve citizens in decisions that affect their future and future of their city.

Since then purpose dialogue has become deeply rooted in our organization and continues to provide as a philosophical perspective with which to consider every decision we make. Our new governance framework has aa its foundation the purpose of our city. Red Deer is being looked to for leadership in civic governance.

As I read through Ken’s thoughtful exploration of social construction I find myself feeling many interrelated thoughts. Firstly, I’m more in love with Ken then ever before. The robustness of his thinking and explanations makes me wonder if I have anything new to add to the conversation, or if even adding anything is valuable. I counter my own internal dialogue with, ‘of course you do, you are uniquely you and therefore only you can have your perspective, build from your years of personal experience.’

Now at the end of a day of reading, it’s dark. The sun has dropped into the ocean, I’ve not switched on any lights. It’s time for me to find a cocktail bar, some good food, and chat with perfect strangers. I wonder what will come of the evening.

As I prepare for my vacation I find myself being unusually productive 16-18 hours a day, split between my work at Sunworks, The Coconut Room, The Metropolitan Block renovation, City Council, and a number of small projects in our building downtown.  Not to mention catching up our accounting for year end.  Last year’s efforts to be reelected put a number of things on the back burner and finally the pile is starting to diminish.   It was without a doubt one of the most difficult years of my life.

What is fascinating is that as spring approaches I feel an incredible amount of change around me.  Projects are moving and rapidly developing, some are nearing completion, others are just getting started.  Most are moving freely without a lot of effort.  What I begin to think about begins to happen.  This of course appeals to my belief in social constructionist philosophy. Our words do create our worlds.  I become more aware of the need to pay attention to this fast moving energy and the change that it is inviting.

I have an image of energy, squishing out everywhere, in a random way.  Like perhaps wet clay does through your fingers when close your palm, or a garden hose gone wild.  I recognize the need to sculpt and direct this energy for change — to pay attention to intention.

There have been a number of issues that I’ve failed to properly address over the past couple of years as our businesses developed.  I’m consciously paying attention to addressing the issues that seemed stuck, to explore the reasons I was procrastinating doing them.  Results are beginning to appear.  Some of the work, where people have been involved has been quite painful.  I no longer accept working with people who choose negativity as their approach to life.  I’m surrounding myself more and more with people that believe in collaboration and cooperation — openness, trust, and dialogue.  Some of this work is helping me more deeply realize what real friendship, love and kindness feel like.

And it’s reminding me of the many positive and kind people with whom I want to associate.  Some have been around me for years and others are new friendships. I’m particularly inspired by some of our staff at the store and the restaurant.  It’s been a joy to work with  these lovely women.

Even though there is pain in dealing with the difficult situations, there is much joy in the discovery of new friendships and the renewal of seasoned friendship — particularly those who have travelled along side me on my journey as they have travelled their own.  These connections are so important to life and happiness.

I’m in Maui now and working on my book manuscript which is a slow by passionate process.  In between I’m working on unfinished renovation projects here at the flat as well.  Yesterday and today I go to ACE hardware to purchase paint for the glass backsplash.  Over the course of several trips back and forth, the man working at the paint counter and I begin to talk about life while the machine shook the various colour samples.  He lives at a Buddhist centre in Paia.

At one point, he says to me that there are only two things in life to remember — intention and paying attention to intention.  I like this thought and certainly it fits with the things I’ve been pondering over the past few months.

We each need to find time to consciously explore our invitations to the world.  What is it that you most would like to invite?  That’s your compelling intention, the thing that attracts you and draws you toward it.  To engage your imagination and soul think about this question:  What is the single most compelling image  you have about your future that you’d like to journey toward?

Your image will hold appeal, mysterious cache, almost like a mesmerizing grip of joy.  With further exploration of that compelling future you’ll begin to find more specific questions to ask yourself.  When you carefully craft the right questions to ask, you are in a process of giving your future colour, shape, and texture.  You are breathing life into that future, life that will need to be nourished.  Intention that will be attention.   That future will start to feel tangible, as if it were just a few steps away, perhaps in another room, or around the corner — close enough that you can go there if you choose.

Once your image begins to form — it doesn’t need to be completely clear — think about how do you create a bridge from today’s present to tomorrow’s present.  Ask yourself, what is one most helpful or obvious activity I could do today, this week, or in the next short while that would take me one step closer or my compelling future?

Exploring your invitation to the world, your compelling future and its richness, and then intentionally taking one step toward it will invite the energy of change — the kind that joyously squishes out between your fingers like wet clay.