Blasé

I call it blue because it gives it a less clinical and feels more personal.  No one can know what it’s like to be blue and to be me.  Most people don’t know that I’m blue, or how long I’ve been blue.  Life has been so full of doing, trying to keep everything going after a series of decisions that may have taken me down the wrong path.  When I didn’t run for council last fall, I remember being surprised at the realization of the sacrifice that I had made.  I had begun to see the ripple effect on my businesses from the time spent away doing council work during the last couple of years of my tenure.  The month leading up to the election and immediately afterward the stark realization of the ‘things that had fallen off my desk’ was so very obvious.  The economy had been difficult, business was slow, the bills had piled up, the accounting was far enough behind to be problematic, but I could at least begin to tackle the challenge.  However, I have been blue.  So as we move onto a year since stepping down I’m still struggling with making headway on the issues.  I have made some to be sure but the effort that I need to put in far outweighs the energy (or is it motivation), that I can seem to muster.

Today is a day off from the restaurant, and I’m trying to do a little self care among the business tasks that need to be dealt with.  My coping strategy today to do things in 20-30 minute blocks.  Strangely this post was meant to be a poem.  I guess that it will continue to rattle around in my head and gush out later.  Perhaps tonight.

Blasé.

Few know I’m blue and,

have been off and on for a couple of years.

That I wake throughout the night and,

stare at the ceiling,

both wanting to be asleep or finally free of worries.

The morning comes, and I don’t want to get out of bed.  Don’t want to shower, eat, move.

I take everyone moment I can before obligation moves me on its own, through the shower, the kitchen, the city.

I smile when I greet people.  I laugh at their stories.  I tell my own stories, and make them laugh. I make the spaces I go feel good for visitors and also for myself.

Issues come and go, staff come and go, sometimes well, sometimes sick and absent.

Sometimes they look to me to solve their problems.

I hold the mirror steadily for them to see their challenges and help them ask better questions, find better perspectives to see from.

I help them stand back, to examine the details, to engage with what needs to be engaged with no matter how frightening.

I hold their hands as they grow.

Where they cause turbulence in my business, I pick up the pieces where others can not or will not.

Mostly customers are happy.  Mostly I shield them from the hidden workings of the business, from my struggles.

On good weeks I find some way to do a few things, small things that take the business into a better future.  On those weeks hope and happiness begin to stir.

I try not to create my own turbulence. It’s easier to do when I’m alive.

Just for a while it would be lovely if the world would just stop, if time would stand still.  To give me the time back I need to regain my footing, to do my laundry, catch up my accounting, to rediscover my passions for things creative.

Perhaps today candlelight will turn blue to flickering gold..

Just for a while..

Long enough for me to get a glimpse of myself…

of my own hopeful becoming.

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