Autumn, day 22. Trusting help.

‘Maybe just share the news,’ I think to myself as I sit down to write on a blank page with a scattered mind.  I’d like to write something useful and perhaps even wise, and the act of writing itself often brings clarity that I need in the moment.  Today is suppose to be a ‘day off’, as if I can actually ever do that.  Instead, I’m just thinking of it as free form activity with hope that I’ll write some, perhaps paint, enjoy companionship, and find some laughter along the way.

Terry and I did some work down at one of the apartments in the Metropolitan Block – the suite that we both think of as our home away from home.  It was nice to be downtown but not really doing much.  We went for coffee at Chronicles Comics and Cafe and had a great chat about the direction our lives are taking.  It’s so nice to be able to just sit and visit with one another.  We only seem to do that when we are in Maui.  Drug dealers tried to sell us drugs on the way for coffee … blatantly – so we lost some time dealing with that when we called it in to the RCMP as usual.

This week, we meet with various realtors about selling the building that houses Sunworks, and also do some serious marketing for the vacant commercial spaces we have available.  We’re considering moving Sunworks into the Metropolitan Block and leasing out the current Sunworks space to various tenants.  If this twigs any thoughts or ideas, call or write me.  I’m inviting a strong week of communication and concerted effort.

Last week I suggested that I needed someone to hold my hand or mentor me through the catch-up work, decision making, and associated anxiety being created.  My colleague Kathryn offered and we started on Friday.  It was a lumpy start for me, my anxiety was on triple overload and ready to blow.  (Yes Todd, I will go this week and see about getting some CBD oil from Gord’s.  It’s on my list. Thanks for the recommendation).  

I made it to my office as I’d planned and nearly the moment that I sat down I began to shake, thinking about the tasks ahead.  I made it only about five minutes before I had to leave.  My second attempt was better and I worked on and off for about four hours.  Rather than doing sorting or organising (which often helps), I realised that I could only deal with the paper on the top of the pile, then the second, etc.  I could only cope with one thing at a time, not anything that tackled the big picture.

This week I will also seek some professional help for my anxiety, and am open to suggestions of a good therapist.

Kathryn joined me later that morning, had a look at my list and ticked off a few things over that day that she could do without much input from me.  Some of the items had been on my list for several months.  One thing was just to make a doctor’s appointment.  How ridiculous to have put off for this long — especially with my high blood pressure issues.

Only so much desk work before I was saved by needing to go to the restaurant for the evening.  Tribe was moderately busy this weekend, and it felt that we were getting ahead rather than going behind.  I really loved the customers that came in both nights.  It was inspiring to have some philosophical conversations.  I’ve really missed that part of my brain being active.  It’s so much easier to make sense of the world when I’m not just talking to myself…. we all know what a trap that can be – a house of mirrors for sure.

I enjoyed working both of those nights and am looking forward to next weekend.  The change in hours has made some people sad and disappointed, but has certainly removed a big chunk of stress.  I’ve been spending so much time running operations that I’ve had little time to deal with administration – hence the festering piles.  As Terry, Chris and I work through the winter months I really believe that we’ll make great improvements in Tribe that will make it much more viable to be open longer hours.  We’ll get there. Where to find the capital funding?  I’m sure we’ll have lots of work-bees along the way.  Tribe is at a place in its development where we can host larger functions and have room to dance even.

Tomorrow, the plan is to do another solid four hours of administration in my office and to see if some order starts to emerge. I hope to be down to the muck soon. I have a sense that, with some companionship and dedicated quiet time, I will feel good at the end of the day.  I hope my first attempt tomorrow goes a bit more smoothly.

I’m leaving last week in a better place that I started, with some glimpse of hope and optimism for the future of the businesses and the change in direction our lives are taking.  This next week will need to be about slow and steady effort, letting others help me find my way, not doing too much alone, and of course communication … the theme of the season.

As always feel free to comment, and sign up to my blog below.